52 Weeks....to the Real Me

Day 12 - Biggest Loser 30-Day Jumpstart

Before I go into today's advice and my reaction... I need to vent.

I didn't realize those emotions I mentioned not having yesterday would come so quickly. Well that's not true ...exactly. These emotions are not about ME but rather my feeling of complete helplessness.

I obviously have not had the talk with my family about getting them on board (I did ask mom about the quilts -- she said yes) but I can't figure out how to get my parents with me. I don't know how to make mom understand. She JUST DOESN'T GET IT and I don't know how to make her understand. I don't know how to lead her to understanding. I've tried getting her to read some of the books I've read. I've tried explaining. But it just seems as long as she DOES NOT FEEL THE NEED to lose weight or get healthier herself, she won't make that sacrifice for me (or my dad). And really, I don't even see it as a sacrifice. Once you get in the habit of eating good stuff, it becomes what you crave.

For lunch today I had a lean cuisine meal and then couldn't wait to eat my apple dipped in yogurt and cinnamon. A lunch that cost me a mere 469 calories and 6.5 grams of fat (including the 2 calories in a diet coke). She cooked hotdogs for her and dad. Using the hotdogs we still have in the refrigerator, and the fact that dad had a bun with his... (I don't think mom had a bun) each of their meals cost about 480 calories and 19 grams of fat (they each had 2 hotdogs). And that doesn't count anything else they had -- like chips or drink or whatever. My lunch was easier and quicker to make... but she won't see it that way. My lunch took a total of less than 5 minutes to prepare. She boiled the hotdogs for at least 10 minutes! Of course this example is the LEAST of my worries.

As my lunch was cooking, she brought in the groceries. As I helped her unpack them I was very near the breaking point. I've never been emotional about groceries before, but I'm sick to my stomach and ready to cry whenever I think about what she bought. I'm not sure that it's necessarily about WHAT she bought, or the fact that she doesn't see anything wrong with it. And her comments to me as I tried to explain the problems. Let me begin by giving a list of what she bought. Originally I was going to put pictures to show you -- but for most of us, that might instill a craving, so I will be as plain as possible =)

• 3 half gallon containers of ice cream
• chocolate milk
• a package of cookies (lucky for me they are oatmeal choc. chip - I don't like oatmeal cookies)
• waffle bowl "cones"
• sugar cones
• a jar of marshmallow topping
• a jar of chocolate fudge topping
• a jar of caramel topping (ok for me, I don't like caramel)
  
• frozen (sugar added) strawberries
• sugar free strawberry topping (not bad... but seems contradictory to the above item)
• a bag of marshmallows (a huge temptation for me)
• A bag of regular (wavy) Lays chips
• regular creamy italian dressing
• regular italian dressing

I think that's about it for the bad stuff. She did also buy some salads, bananas, pretzels, and wheat buns.

When I was unloading the ice cream I made the comment "gee thanks" she said she thought it was better for her to buy this and have it at home, as opposed to paying more for Handel's ice cream (on occasion when they stopped there). I responded but "that doesn't help someone who's trying to lose weight" she replied "just pretend it isn't there." It is this lack of comprehension that has me virtually devastated. She doesn't GET that you can't "JUST FORGET" it's there.

I'll admit, I'm pretty good at avoiding temptation. I mean, passing by Arby's has been tough because I had made it a habit, but the comfort in having my Weight Watcher's One Point (90 cal) Latte bar when I got home, helps immensely. I try to ignore all the white pasta and cook my own whole wheat pasta, I try to ignore all the fatty lunch meats and cheeses that are purchased. I ignore the Ben & Jerry's she sometimes buys, I can bypass the greasy chips, but all of this wears on me. Every other time I have been successful at losing weight, I had complete control over my environment. My house had NOTHING that I wasn't "allowed" to eat. Sure I still had to watch my portion sizes, but nothing was laden with tons of fat. I have fallen for the marshmallows before -- their "fat free"-ness, forgetting that I eat way too many, and they still have a lot of calories, calories that are wasted.. on things non-nutritious, non-filling.

As I mentioned, I'm decently good at avoiding what I KNOW are bad things.. but the more we add to the house the harder it is. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. And I worry about my Dad. He does not have as much practice warding off the temptations and I fear he might also not SEE the hidden "badness" of some of the things. Like his lunch today. I'm sure he thought it was perfectly fine. I know he, like me, also struggles with portion control. So my thought would be, until we all get better at it, let's keep things in the house that are not as detrimental if you eat too many -- like fresh strawberries, apples, carrots, brussel sprouts, grapes, etc. Low fat lunch meats (which at least we do tend to buy the turkey that I think is OK), the non-fat cheeses. (I think I've finally gotten everyone on the same page as to which string cheese to buy)

I don't know what to do. I somewhat take solace in the fact that most of this summer I'll be out of the house because of my insane school schedule. But that doesn't comfort me that much. I so desperately want to make her understand. For her to GET IT. For her to GET ONBOARD, to be truly supportive.