52 Weeks....to the Real Me

If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Maybe this was just a glimpse of what COULD be after my 52 weeks are done. After all, the plan was not to do anything drastic until NEXT year.

Maybe I have more work to do at Mespo. Maybe it's not time for me to move on yet.

I guess now I get back to my regularly scheduled life. Finding a home for all the stuff in the garage, setting up the lab in it's entirety, finding a way to pay for college and wonder if I can handle it this fall, start going back to CrossFit...

Thank you everyone! for your support, prayers, crossed fingers, and well wishes. It is because of all your love and support that I believe I must have more to do at Mespo, that it is truly not yet the time to move on.

(and I assure you I have ideas. I just got done reading both of Rafe Esquith's books - "There are no Shortcuts" and "Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire". They are both great books that have spectacular ideas, leave me a little frustrated (that whole idea that you have to be in a tough inner city school to be considered a GREAT teacher) but overall inspired me to want to be a better teacher. To put aside the politics and red-tape, to handle administration and their demands but to find a way to accomplish what we are all there for - the kids. And not just teaching them about science or math, but teaching them how to be people. Responsible, caring people. ) -- if any Mespo folks want to borrow them, let me know! (aparently he also has a website for the Hobart Shakespeareans - his students) There is also a DVD documentary that was made, I just ordered it from Netflix!)

After reading these I guess I'm kinda glad I'm not going to the middle-class elementary school with 8 SmartBoards.. right? I have another year to make a tremendous difference to kids who maybe don't have it all.

**side note of good news... I don't have to blow my savings on a security deposit, and I think I can still save enough money to go to Hawaii!**

I'm a wreck!
I interviewed for a job this week. I really want it. I can't remember wanting anything this badly. Let me explain what's happened in the past week or so.
When I got home from Illinois I started applying at Dayton area schools. I found one I was particularly interested in, so I went ahead and filled out the entire online application -- you teachers out there know how tedious that could be! Two days later a DIFFERENT school called and said that they have a 5th grade math opening and will be interviewing next week (which was THIS week). So I of course called back and we set an interview for this past Tuesday.
I began researching the area, looking at potential apartments, seeing what all the school had to offer. It is amazing. They are the size I wanted, they have the clubs, sports, and philosophies I liked. It all sounds great. Their new teachers start Aug 20. (next Thurs) so I realized that IF I get the job I would need to move ASAP. So I contacted a few apartments through Rent.com and they contacted me back. Unbelievably -- they have some immediate openings.

So Monday, I drove down to the area to check it out, see the school, look at the apartments, and attend a board meeting. As I drove around town, I fell in love -- I tried not to, I know that could mean even a bigger heartache later. They have an arena that hosts concerts, and weekend ice skating, there is a park with frisbee golf and a community theater. The center of town has a fountain and a circle, the Miami river runs through town with benches and swings all along to sit and enjoy it. Oh yeah and there is a public pool with slides, fountains, and who knows what else. There is also a hike/bike trail that goes all the way through the town.

The apartment manager/owner is awesome. She was very friendly and even invited me to join her two golf leagues plus wondered if I'd be interested in tutoring her grandson! And the apartment.. not only would it be acceptable - I love it. The rooms are big and clean and there's lots of storage and even washer/dryer hookups. To top it off, the hike/bike trail passes right behind the building. It's in a cozy neighborhood, nearby to shopping, and less than 20 minutes from the school!!

The more I drove around the more I experienced emotions that I don't know what to do with. I would get these urges where I wanted to cry... in a good way. I was just overcome with the wanting this job so badly and feeling at home in the area. I could see great ways for the "new me" to accomplish everything I want to.

Even the board meeting went well. Everyone was very friendly and I learned that the school is in good shape.

Everyone has been asking me how the interview went. I'm at a loss as to how to answer that. I mean, I think it went well, sure there are some things I'd like to add, but I'm happy with it and I hope it was enough. I hope I said enough of the right things to set me apart and above the rest.

So the rest of this week I've been a mess. I'm trying to plan what I would need to do to move if I get the job, but I'm also trying not to get my hopes too high. So I'm trying to plan what I would do at Mespo this year. I'm trying to balance my excitement and hope with the possibility of complete, devastating disappointment.

I was told I would know by the end of this week. That leaves tomorrow. I don't know how to do this, I keep playing responses in my head, I keep preparing myself for the worst, but I can't help feeling excited and optimistic. Could it really be that this was meant to be? That this is where I'm supposed to go? Everything seemed to fall into place so perfectly. But I can't afford to think this way. It will make the pain so much greater. I've already allowed myself too much excitement for this situation. I've told way too many people about it. and I want it so badly. Whenever I think about the strength of my desire for this position and move, I literally want to cry because I don't know how else to express it.

My hope is that I get called early in the morning (either way) so I don't have to torment myself all day. I have things to get excited about at Mespo this year, we have new computers, I'm going to be in the lab, my friends are all still going to be there. Right?

Anyone with advice... I'm all ears.

For the first time all week I'm a tad bit ahead of schedule.
I'm going to take advantage of that -- so my long blog will have to wait another day or so.

CrossFit - made it. did it. loved it. Ok I loved the rowing part. I don't know why I like rowing so much. I do know I'm getting better at it. I am much better at keeping my knees between my elbows! My fastest 100m was 26.4 sec. I did a total of 1400m today.
We also had to do Hang Power Cleans - which I had never done before.
I did 4 rounds
- just the bar - x15
- bar +10 - x 7
- bar +10 - x9
- bar +10 - x10
(yes I do tend to get better as workouts go on. I've noticed this in general!)
**my notes on TheBarn site, I'm FlyerMJ**

Went to class - am feeling much better about my ability to pass!

Took dad to get his truck, then we went to storage.
I went through my books, packed my kitchen stuff, while dad swept up mice "pellets" THANKS DAD! (thankfully the mice didn't ruin anything!)

Why do I have SO MUCH kitchen stuff? Tomorrow night I'm going through it. I'm sure I can't need ALL of it.

46 burpees done
As mentioned earlier, I get better as a workout goes on -- at least to a point. My first 10 burpees were down right painful. There was cracking, and popping, and groaning but by the second 10 I was cruising right along (in fact the second 10 turned into 15!)

So I'm off to shower, read a little of my book (He's Just Not That Into You), and head to bed BEFORE 11PM!!!

I needed this book. Thanks, Sara for suggesting it! You, and it, told me exactly what I wanted (and needed) to hear about Boy #1 -- as well as Boy#2 and some things I needed to know about some previous guys too. I know I'm worth more, and I will believe that there is the RIGHT someone out there -- hopefully in Illinois!

I'm going to see The Ugly Truth Tomorrow. I can't wait!

I'm reading a book about time management. Hopefully I'll be able to use it REAL soon!

Today I did a total of 75 burpees (45 required- 30 toward my deficit)
Mom and I went for a mile walk. (slow pace)

I'm struggling with homework -- took like 2 hours on it.

Tomorrow's plan...

UPDATE
Class
Homework
Burpees
CrossFit

not necessarily in that order.

Are you kidding me. The first words out of my prof's mouth today was "this class should be called Calc 4." I'm in for a wild ride.

I slept in (much needed) -- no crossfit today :(

I worked on my storage unit today (for like 4 hours!)
Then took Dad to drop off his truck.
Went to water flowers at the cemetery.
Did homework.
Did 43 burpees.
Now heading to bed.

My big update will have to wait, as I really want to get to CrossFit tomorrow. (please don't hate me...lol)

Illinois travel plans have also been altered.. looks like I may be going Wed - Sunday next week.

Sore as heck. (especially quads)

Warm up was harder than workout.
Warmup included push ups, pull ups, dips, and box jumps.

Skill- front squat. Kills my wrists.
Warm up
x3 just bar
x3 just bar
Work -
x3 bar +5
x3 bar +10
x3 bar +15

my wrists gave out after 3 reps. I'm working on it.

Team workout.
2500m row (I did 700m)
250 sledge hits (I did 60 I think)

Tonight.. did my 37 burpees, then in an explanation I did an extra one. And WAIT. I did an extra one on Sunday!!! I showed them how to do them on the golf course. I don't recommend doing burpees on grass wearing golf spikes -- actually quite slippery! I believe that means I only owe 12 more!

To bed... lots of planning to do.
- pack (going to Syracuse for a mini-vacation)
- finish Discrete HW
- finish Numbers HW
- finish Archimedes Presentation

07.12.2009

But First... some exercise news.

So I spent the first 4 hours of the day preparing for my math test (tomorrow). Then I rushed to the golf course, leaving my cell phone (!!) and hat ball mark behind! I really wasn't running late, but I felt rushed anyway. As I was scurrying to my cart I heard a familiar voice call my name (more about this later). So here's the interesting part, once I got settled on the cart I needed to run into the clubhouse to wet my towel (helps me keep my clubs clean). I LITERALLY ran... it was fun. I felt motivated to jog a little then I took the steps 2 at a time. It's been a LONG time (maybe never) since I just had that kind of energy.
Then just as they are about to set us off to our holes (it was a shotgun start) I realized we didn't have a blanket for the seat. (we were riding -- and the seats are vinyl - they can be uncomfortable in the sun) so I RAN.. yes really... jogged the WHOLE WAY to my car. I would estimate it to be at least 200m if not more. I even ran most of the way back. It was EASY. It felt natural. I didn't feel like a big bafoon blopping across the parking lot.
Unfortunately my golf came was a late arriver. It appeared on about hole 12. But-- our team came in third at 5 under. (not bad for having 2 bogeys!)
I came home... did only my mandated 35 burpees and finished studying my math.

Ok the good stuff. - the stuff I need advice about.

ISSUE 1
Remember that "familiar voice" that called my name? I'm confused. Last summer I met a guy. We golfed together. We had fun. As the fall arrived we started hanging out on the weekends. Movies. Drinks. "Bonfires." More golf outings. Parties. etc. Nothing ever "happened" but I did have a bit of a crush on him. We were even supposed to golf in our golf league together this year. Things were going great. I thought, anyway. Then all of a sudden (as of Nov 1) he quit talking to me. Just quit. The end. I texted a him a few times. Occasionally he'd text back. I had actually found him a little something for Christmas... he did text me a thank you while we were texting about bluray players. Then nothing again.... nothing until TODAY. Well actually, I texted him a few weeks ago to tell him about an upcoming concert I knew he'd want to see. When I heard that voice call, I looked and couldn't believe it. Here he was. At the golf course (not the one we golfed at together) Shook my hand, gave me half a hug, asked how I was, said he got my text about the concert and that he and few of his buddies were going. (but of course, I had to go get ready to golf so that was the end of the conversation.) So my confusion is this. First - why quit talking to me all of a sudden like that? Then... ok so that's the way it is.. fine... why say hi? why not let me just go about my business, it wasn't like I even knew he was there? (he looked better than ever too, I might add.) If anyone has any possible explanation for this behavior I'm really curious.

Of course the complete irony is that on the way to the course I was thinking about him. And how I liked him in much the same way I liked Luke (my ex-boyfriend) We started out having fun, being friends, and then I started to "like them." Which to me is a warning sign that they are just meant to be friends. I was thinking that maybe I only THOUGHT I liked him, but really that's what friends are. Of course, seeing him... I remember how CUTE he is! and that smile.. but anyway... he engages in some bad habits that I disapprove of -- the biggest of which is smoking. bleh.

ISSUE 2
Ok... so as I was pondering my past relationships and interactions with various people I must include the newest guy. I don't want to give away too many details but here's what I know. I've said very few words to this guy and I feel like a complete and utter idiot when I do. I never know what to say. I've found myself in his immediate proximity and become a completely bashful fool. The other day, he was in my personal space (not that I minded) but he seemed to stay there -- not saying a word either. Not necessarily looking at me or anything... just there RIGHT next to me. I don't know what to make of these feelings. I mean for those of you who know me well (or who can judge me properly from my blog) know I'm not very often at a loss for words... yet can't even imagine what to say to him. I just learned his name last week (and that's about all I know). Any advice? Could he be interested?
I will say that I know he's seen me at my worst -- a complete sweaty mess from working out-- I also think he's significantly younger than me (but out of college!) But that doesn't REALLY matter does it?

Please help.

Oh yeah. I was also thinking today (and I didn't even have long car rides today!!) that I'm really truly beginning to feel like the person I WANT to be. I think back to who I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago, even just a year ago, and I'm amazed. I don't even feel or think those ways anymore. I like it. (and I give major props to Luke for putting up with me through my extreme relationship naivete, I really had no clue.)

Sorry I have no pics for today. Although-- I would have had an awesome of two little white tail deer fawns playing on the golf course -- but since I had forgotten my camera as well as my phone... I just have the mental image. :(

Well I know I'm behind on my "Mondays". Actually, I'm more behind in reporting it, I've been doing them. On Friday I hope to have more than 10 minutes to think, and I will get all updated.

CrossFit Today
Warm Up
200m run
skip x25
x5 frog series

WOD
(I forget what it was called- but it was brutal.) We had to do as many reps as possible in each station. We were at each station for 1 minute, we then immediately moved to the next station. We did three rounds of each of the 5 stations.
Sprint (about 40 yards)
SA KB alt swings (10lb)
Dips!!!
Row (counting calories)
Sledge Hits (kinda fun!)
In 15 minutes I did a total of 133. And considering the first two rounds I did a grand total of 2 dips, that wasn't so bad.

I did run in my five-fingers. I don't think I'll be running long distances in them, but they work for the stuff we do at CrossFit. -- no shock absorption!--

I then did 23 burpees and decided that Friday or Saturday, when I don't have a crossfit workout to kill me, I'll do my make-up 20.

When I got home from class I went for a hike to scout out part of the trail. (3k in 30:52) --with rain!

**Frustrated. I've taken roughly 10 college math classes in my life. I have ONE this session that has had me near tears in 2 of the last 3 classes. I'm so frustrated in it. I think there are a few reasons -- 1.) The professor is Indian and hard to understand. 2.) He assumes we are all math geniuses that remember EVERYTHING about geometry (the class I took in 2002) and how to prove everything. 3.) He's never taught this class before and it's not "his cup of tea" ugh. I have exactly 10 more days. I know I can do it. I'm just overly frustrated and I need to STOP taking out my frustration on myself (in the form of Wendy's Toffee Frosties).

Test Results -- as handed back 62/100 (I defended my answers to earn back another 16 points) right now I have 78/100 if I do my corrections I can get up to an 89. grr.

I've been claiming that I'm going to bed early for the last 2 weeks. Tonight I am. Now. 9:22 PM (Ok I'll give myself until 9:30)
G'night

I also found something that I truly found delicious... only to realize it's probably not really that good for me. ... turkey bacon. Darn.